This one goes in a few different directions. I may come back and add to it as I figure more out. I hope you find it helpful, your mileage may vary.

Recently, I was chatting with some friends about Heathen Soul Lore (you can learn more about that here) and it got me thinking about motivations, magic, and myself.

It got me thinking about trauma, how it impacts my sense of self, and how lacking a sense of self might change, influence, or even inhibit how I do magic.

I had a bit of an “aha” moment when one friend shared the impact that years of undiagnosed adhd and autism had on them in a spiritual context. I realized I hadn’t really considered that certain neurodivergences might lend themselves to, or detract from my metaphysical abilities and experiences (why had I never thought about it? Internalized neurotypical ableism, maybe?).

I then began to think about how childhood and other traumas might have an impact. And what happens when neurodivergence and traumatic stress collide?

The following are observations based on my own lived experience. Yours may be different. Mileage may vary.

My birth mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My father has strong narcissistic tendencies. I am an only child who lived with my mother primarily until I was 16 years old. She and her various husbands were physically, psychologically, and verbally abusive. After she had done her worst, she sent me to live with my emotionally distant, self-involved father. These conditions made me vulnerable to abusive people and situations as I moved through my early adulthood.

Add to this mix undiagnosed autism.

First, I realized that this mix of conditions could explain why I sometimes do and perceive things differently from other magic users I know. Sometimes I take a more circuitous route, sometimes it’s more direct. Sometimes the things that seem so blatantly obvious to me don’t show up for others, and vice versa. I know that magical practice is personal, and what people do may vary, but it seems like sometimes everyone else takes a similar approach, and it doesn’t work or make sense to me. I must have been absent the day that consensus was achieved.

I started thinking about times when I felt uncertain about what was happening with me because it was so different from what other people had gone through. It seemed like no one I talked to about it could relate. My brain started churning a hundred miles a minute, digging through memory, questioning perception in retrospect.

It became a little overwhelming and I went into a mini-crisis. Was I really magical, or just mentally ill? Was my talent for divination and foresight, truth-speaking, and deep intuition genuine or just the product of CPTSD hypervigilance? As a child, the ability to quickly read people and situations and connect dots was a necessary survival skill. Reading microexpressions and small cues helped predict impending violence. Was the directness just a product of autism? Had I simply mystified trauma responses? Did it matter?

Were all the interactions with various Others that I experienced as a child, in reality, just the delusions of a young mind fighting hard to shield and protect itself? Was it the response to intense loneliness?

I managed to question a huge part of my identity in a very short period of time.

Am I a fraud (enter my close companions Imposter Syndrome and RSD)? Are all the magical people I know the real deal, while I am just the damaged product of traumatic stress and weird wiring?

Was this just the effect of being subjected to my mother’s narcissism during my formative years?

“But what is the situation of a child born to a narcissistic (or any other cluster B) parent? You were not visibly physically abandoned. You were fed, you had a roof over your head. But the truth is that you were emotionally and psychologically rejected at birth, or lets say you were never acknowledged by the narcissistic parent at all. You as a little human individual never existed. Right from the start, you were replaced by a projection, you were cast into a role, in which you could be of use to the narcissist to generate narcissistic supply.” Tereza’s Health Blog (this is one of the best descriptions of what I experienced that I have ever read)

How did my mother’s narcissism affect me? I didn’t and sometimes I still don’t exist.

This brings me back to sense of self and power.

I mentioned earlier that my friends and I were discussing soul lore. Pre-Christian Germanic and Scandinavian people had different ideas about the human soul than what most people in modern Western society hold. Instead of one soul, they believed we have what Winnifred Hodge Rose calls a “soular system.” A grouping of multiple soul parts with different characteristics and functions. In particular, we were talking about the Mod soul. Our mod soul is connected to, among other things, our maegin (strength, power), it is closely related to our Hugr soul which is concerned with our drive and desire, and which can connect us to past lives. I know I am way over-simplifying for this post. You can learn more at the links given above.

During the discussion, I shared my experience doing the exercise that helps you to sense mod from Winifred’s book, Heathen Soul Lore: A Personal Approach. The exercise is to sit quietly and direct awareness toward the place where one’s strength and will lie within their body, the mod-core. I was supposed to observe my motivating forces. After a long while, I realized I was having considerable difficulty with this. I liken it to peering into a mirror and not being able to see my reflection.

I have never been able to look that closely at myself. For much of my life I was never allowed to have a self separate from the narcissist. I wasn’t allowed to have wants and desires and ambitions. I often don’t consciously know my motivations, or at least if you ask me I can’t really tell you.

So my question here, because I don’t pretend to have any answers, is this… When you can’t see yourself, and you perceive much of your drive/motivation/etc. as being outside of yourself, how does this affect how you access or use your power?

Does trauma derail ability? Can the damage that traumatic stress causes to all our souls (not just the mod) be healed? How do you go about doing that?

I have done, and am doing my due diligence to heal mentally, physically, and spiritually. Therapy is your friend, you can’t magic your way to mental health. I have come a long, long way in my spiritual practice and my understanding of myself. It’s just that every now and again I go down the rabbit hole of questions.

Am I magic? Yes. (Thank you, Daniela, Maddoc and everyone else for reminding me). Are some of the magical talents I have actually the result of traumatic stress? Maybe, does it matter? Have I helped people? Yes. Have my visions been accurate, has my magic worked? Yes.

At the end of the day we are so much more than the sum of our trauma. It may change how we do things, access our souls and sources, or interact with our allies, but that’s ok. Different does not equal wrong.

It also made me aware that I need to work on some internalized ableism when it comes to mental health and neurodivergence.

I would love to know what others think or their experiences. Leave a comment below.

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